PG 13 ???
copyright 2009 jimmy wallis
| Thanks for your interest and support! Love to all, peace, prosperity and a quick recovery! "Wally" has been sold and Elvis has left the building! jim P.S. Take any of my lines below if you wish. It has never been my intention to offend. If you are offended, please consider it a bonus. There once was a man who made a deal with the devil. He would be allowed to live until he understood women. That man celebrated his 5,785th birthday last week. 3,738 mothers in Manila joined in simultaneous breastfeeding to establish a new Guinness World Record. I was there. I'd put on a diaper and had almost a gallon before I was thrown out. . If immigration polices remain as they are, soon high school bands will be marching to the music of John Philip Salsa. Love on the Internet? We are told that E Harmony.com can provide us with a wonderful lifetime partner. Now David Oreck hugs his eight pound vacuum cleaner and says it's a "Love Affair to Remember." I combined Oreck and E Harmony and got a love affair that sucks. Rehab Happenings: I've been very surprised at how fast some of the older patients can move with their walkers! Yesterday, I saw one that had a bug screen on the front! Another one had mud tires for offroad use. My Walker: Before I graduated to a cane, I named my walker. I called it, "Ranger, The Texas Walker." Hope that doesn't anger Chuck Norris. I'm not exactly in fighting trim at the moment. WalMart recently announced that it was going to buy China. U.S workers will be offered jobs at up to twenty cents an hour. The Mars Rovers are rumored to be scouting for a spot for a new Super Store. The Super Store in Area 51 is said to be doing a brisk business with illegal aliens. REALITY SHOWS: TV
execs are getting raunchier and more desperate ideas for new
shows. The latest is based on men who can't ejaculate, and
is called "Emission
Impossible." Oxymoron? Correct answer: "The guy who does the commercials for Oxyclean!" Who could be more irritating? Attention sponsors! I won't buy anything that guy is selling! Still in the midst of "Spring Cleaning." Hope to be finished by November. I was just thinking how odd it is that I hate dust so much, yet plan to be cremated! I just got a job doing a commercial for a line of camoflague clothing. I walk around the country saying, "Can you see me now?" Law enforcement officials MUST STOP sexual profiling! Every suspect is currently identified as male or female, and this sexist practice is nothing more than thinly disguised sexual profiling! Ap Interesting sponsors on the Olympics this year. Audi, Viagra... Maybe they should combine the commercials. For instance Audi is selling the Audi TT. Combined that would be, "Take Viagra, then drive your TT home!" Afghanistan's Karzai has been chosen to star in the new movie, "The Life of Ben Kingsley." Macarina was invented by a gay karate instructor. Women want me to wait five days to buy a gun but demand instant abortions. Two NFL Quarterbacks caught in GAY ORGY! MOON OVER MONTANA! CNN celebrity comes out of the closet. Details on Larry Queen Live! Did you hear about the French Epileptic? Swallowed someone else's tongue. This company handicaps the hired. Mixed message from industry: They say hire the handicapped, and put labels in clothes that say "Fire Retarded." There's a new test to see if an unborn child is dyslexic. That way you can give them an appropriate name, like OTTO or ANNA.. Now we can blame everything on genetics. Hearing loss is the latest. I asked my father if he knew that Hearing Loss was genetic, and he said, "What?" I no longer worry about gaining weight. I have that wonderful excuse. It's Genetic! That excuse is good for anything! I thought that I had ADD, but tests show that I'm just stupid. Time Magazine's cover said, "Infidelity. Is it in our Genes?" Men have always known if you can keep it in your jeans, you won't be unfaithful. Those PSYCHIC HOT LINES really work! I called and they told me that I was about to be ripped off? Everyone is into TECHNOLOGY! Last night I was about to be mugged. Luckily his beeper went off! Went to a weird funeral...they'd put a Viper auto alarm in the casket, and when you'd approach, it would say, "WARNING, you are too close" New terrorist group in the Middle East. They worship that little candy that comes in dispensers. They're called the PEZbollah. Jewish stars have CHRISTMAS ALBUMS. I especially like Barbra Streisand's "OY VEH MARIA!" I left COLLEGE to get an EDUCATION! They've renamed those WHALES that keep beaching themselves to KERVORKIAN whales. APPLE COMPUTER had trouble with the NEWTON, their new DIGITAL PERSONAL ASSISTANT, and had to consult with WANG. The result is the new WANG NEWTON! It's not fair. I found a way to grow hair on my palms, but not my head! I didn't get up early...I under slept! Catalog offers a ring that is inscribed: "You And No Other" for $49.95 each. It goes down to $19.95 if you buy six or more. Do you get the feeling that Samsonite subsidizes the Baggage Handler's Union? I think I finally figured out the problem. GOD is a corporation! Took some new pants to the Tailor, and asked if he could do a simple hem. I said, "Sure!" He sang Nearer My God to Thee. Do you get those calls where you pick up the phone and no one answers...you can hear them breathing, but they won't answer? I just figured that out. Those are crank calls from Mimes! bye, now jim |