Jimmy Settles With Ex

Divorce

George Bush met my ex wife yesterday. Tomorrow he is expected to add a new member to the Axis of Evil. 02.21.03 My wife said "Please be gentle, it's my first time." I could hear the laughter from downtown at the pool hall...Twelve blocks away. 02.21.03

I know I said, "My Wife is an Angel!" But that was just wishful thinking! 04.29.06

I think I was attracted to her big breasts. If they'd been filled with brains, she'd have been another Einstein! Brains or not, she was fun to watch while jogging. Broke both her collar bones, her jaw, and blacked both eyes before she gave it up. I also enjoyed watching her bend over and sway side to side to shine her shoes. 02.21.03

It's amazing to me that friends of your wife, who are also your "best" friends turn into a COVEN when you get divorced! I can just picture them around the boiling pot, chanting "Get This, Get That, Take it ALL, You DESERVE EVERY PENNY!" 02.21.03

My wife's main problem was genetic... ADD. She couldn't remember who she was married to!

My ex lost her job as a flight attendant, but she found a job the very next day at the airport! You might have seen her out there sniffing your luggage.

She said I never took her anywhere, but that's not true. Every week I'd take her to the Flea Market. They'd pick 'em off, and we'd come home.

Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the failures are a bunch of them...and their lawyers.

Divorce was a religious experience. It made me take a vow of poverty.

That woman was a real talker.  She'd obviously been through menopause, since she NEVER came to a PERIOD.

My wife had a figure like a coke bottle.  Unfortunately, the two liter one!

I knew that I was in trouble when instead of a marriage license, they gave me a degree in Animal Husbandry.

I suffered from DEPRESSION and asked for help.   My wife loaded the gun!

My ex-wife said that I was like a billion dollar company...MICRO SOFT!

They made movies about my marriages....  Rocky I, Rocky II, Rocky III

The ships have TALKING ELEVATORS with  women's voices.  I got on and it said, "I WANT HALF!"

I just don't understand it. I just have no luck! I've been married three times till death do us part, and all three are STILL ALIVE!!!!