Politics according to Jimmy Wallis (and Friends)

Folks, it just ain't funny no more. Go to the Blogs...jw

BUSH TO SEEK REELECTION! Dixie Chicks on new cabinet!
(I got tired of politics, so the jokes are collected from the internet)

From Jim Seals,  April 9, 2000

Elian Gonzalez
Q: Why is President Clinton so reluctant to decide the fate of Elian
Gonzalez?
A: Because last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban he was almost impeached. 

From Virginia, January 21, 2000
Subject: The Pope & President Clinton

During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President
Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for
two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the
waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit
was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the
matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to
the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement.
He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears.  Sadly he
announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed". Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."

September 25th. Better late than never!  Doctors tell Clinton to rest his voice for ten days!  Sure wish they had gotten to him sooner!  Sweet relief for us all!

April 15th:  I woke up in a cold sweat! Not because it was tax day, but from a terrible nightmare!  I had dreamed that Dan Quayle had been elected President and chosen Al Gore as his Vice President.  I dreamed of the pharmaceutical companies going out of business. No more need for sleeping pills.  Just thinking about this dream makes me....YAWN....

July 31st
Clinton to seek ban on hammers?  In light of the fact that three of the victims in the Atlanta tragedy were killed by a hammer, it is logical to assume that the president will urge the nation to adopt the same methods that he is demanding for gun control.

"I expect that people will have to wait a week to buy a hammer." says George McGarland, hardware store owner in Lake Wales, FL.

A new organization, the PAAH (People Against Assualt Hammers) has been formed with the help of noted celebrities, and will print full page ads in major newspapers while soliciting funds from the public.

August 3rd from Doug Warren:

It's amazing how the whole campaign has caught on. The thought of a sitting First Lady Of The United States considering running for an elective office is truly amazing. In New York City, everybody has a "Run, Hillary, Run" bumper sticker on their car. Democrats put them on their rear bumpers.
Republicans put them on the front.

August 4th from Jim Seals
Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St.  Peter. She notices  that there are clocks everywhere in Heaven.  She asks St. Peter why there are so many clocks in Heaven. St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one-second.

St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it belonged to Mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life.  Then another belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he told only two lies  his whole life, only two seconds had ticked off.

Hillary asks, "Where's  Bill's clock?"

St. Peter says, "Bill's clock is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
--------------------------------------------------------------------Here are some are "quotes" from Mr. Gore or Mr. Quayle or just made up!  Controversial, but Funny anyway... Lets face it, the best people won't dare run!

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --
Vice  President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."  --
Vice President Al Gore

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history.  I mean in  this century's history.  But we all lived in this century.  I didn't live in  this century." --
Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was  that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those  people." --
Vice President Al Gore

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.  It's the impurities in  our air and water that are doing it." -- Vice President Al Gore

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." -- Vice  President Al Gore

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the  mistakes we may or may not have made." -- Vice President Al Gore

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy  - but that could change." -- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and  that one word is 'to be prepared.'" -- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -- Vice President Al  Gore, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the  future." -- Vice President Al Gore

"The future will be better tomorrow." -- Vice President Al Gore

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." -- 
Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." --
Vice President Al Gore  to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO.  We have a firm  commitment to Europe.  We are a *part* of Europe." --
Vice President Al Gore

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat." -- Vice President Al Gore

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."  --
Vice President Al Gore

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."  --
Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."  --
Vice President Al Gore

"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts." -- 
Vice President Al Gore

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance  from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are  canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is  oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." -- Vice President Al Gore

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very  wasteful. How true that is." -- Vice President Al Gore

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have  tremendous impact on history." -- Vice President Al Gore (Hmmmm, anyone in  particular come to mind?)

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my  answer has been direct and simple:  Who is to blame for the riots?  The  rioters are to blame.  Who is to blame for the killings?  The killers are to  blame." -- Al Gore

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore  may or may not make." -- Vice President Al Gore

-----------------------------------from me------------------------------
After seeing the Vice President on CBS, I agree...There is too much Gore on TV!

I was going to do a Clinton  joke, but that would be redundant.

We've gone too far with the hyphens!   A man from New Delhi married a Navajo, and their kid is an Indian-American-Native-American.

I'mWelsh-Scotch-Irish-English-Tennessee-Alabama-Arkansas-Oklahoma-Missouri-Colorado- American who is happy to drop my hyphens!

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