Cloned Cruise Directors STOLEN Jokes

The  first time you see your cabin, you say, "What could be smaller than this?"   Then you open the bathroom door!

"The pool must be ocean water.   Look at the size of the waves."

The Letterman Top Ten list was adapted by comics for ship jokes, then stolen by cruise directors and now is used by all of them as the top ten dumb questions asked by passengers.
 

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Hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?   Took two hours to get the drummer out!

What's the difference between a musician and a U.S. Savings Bond?   One eventually matures and earns money!

How do you get a guitar player to turn down?   Put a chart in front of him!

What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?   Homeless!

What do you throw a drowning guitar player?   His Amp!

What's the difference between musicians and a young puppy?  Give the puppy a couple of months, and he'll quit whining!

What's black and brown and looks good on a guitar player?   A Doberman!

How can you tell if the stage is level?   Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth!

What did the Bass player say on his first job?   "Would you like some fries with that Coke?"

Why are Orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?   So you don't have to retrain the drummer.

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?   A drummer!

How do you know when a drummer knocks on your door?   The beat slows down!

Why do bands have bass players?   To translate for the drummer!

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine.  With the machine, you only have to punch in the information once! 

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decided to change instruments. After some thought, he decided on the accordion.   He went to the music store and said to the owner, "I'd like to see your accordions, please."

The store owner said, "All of our accordions are over there in the corner.

"After browsing for a while,  the drummer says, "I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The shop owner says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

Crestfallen, the drummer says, "Yeah, how did you know?"

The store owner says, "that's the radiator!"

How can you tell when a singer's at your door?  You open the door, and he still doesn't know when to come in!

"Noah, awake and heed my words!"
And Noah, being sore, afraid and disoriented, did cry out, 
"Who goeth  there?"
And the Lord did smite him upside the head, saying, 
"It is the Lord of all things, dummy!"
And Noah did tremble, saying, 
"Lord, why hath thou wakened me?"

And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me a Jobbing Band.
"For the earth will be visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty 
days  of 
Trade Shows and forty nights of  awards Banquets."
And Noah did say, "Command me, Lord."
And the Lord did say, "First, thou must find me a Leader."
And Noah replied, "But Lord, will I not be thy Leader?"
And the Lord did smite him again, saying, 
"Fool, thou will be my  Contractor.
Ask not why!"

And Noah did bow his head, saying, 
"Yes, my Lord. And what will this  Leader play?"
And the Lord said, "It mattereth little, whether he play or not, or
whether he be proficient or not. 
For his job shall primarily be to talk to the  Brides and their Mothers, 
and to deal with Clients, and to count off  Tempos wrong, 
and to inquire as to whether Overtime will happen, 
and to try to  segue tunes that should not be segued. 
If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have another player of 
that instrument on the band, just to be safe."

And Noah did say, "And what else shall this Leader do?"
And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job to spread Bad Information and
Confusion amongst the Sidemen, and to pit them one against the other, and 
to  delay all payments.
"Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a Soundman, to create 
Feedback, and to invent new Equalization Curves therefore."
And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying, 
"Lord, thy ways are  Strange and Mysterious. 
What more shall I do?"

And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Rhythm Section. First, find me a 
Drummer. 
And Three Things above all must this Drummer possess."
And Noah did ask, "What are these Three Things? Double Bass Drums? An  
Electronic Kit? Congas?"

And the Lord did smite Noah again, saying "Second-guess me not, my  
servant.
First, this Drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever
He playeth a Fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a
different place, sometimes early and sometimes late, but thou may not 
guess which. 
And second, he must be Supremely Discontent, always hoping for the 
Big  Break which will lead to him playing with Chick Corea or Madonna,
so that he  despiseth Jobbing. 
"And third, he must always be convinced of his
Righteousness, in all things, including Time, Volume, Tempo and 
Feel, so  that he argueth always with the Bass Player."
And Noah did say, "As you command, Lord. And what next?"
And the Lord did say, "Thou art learning, Noah. 
Next shall be the Bass Player. 
And he shall be Bored. That is all."

And Noah did say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?"
"Next shall be the Piano Player. 
And he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, 
And he shall ply Substitute upon Substitute, until no
man may name the Chord, and he will not be helpful. 
Furthermore, he shall always be late. 
And he shall always be trying out New Gear, 
Of which he has no  knowledge." 
And Noah did wonder aloud, "Lord, Great is thy Wisdom!"
"Next shall be the Guitar Player. 
And he shall be a Rock Guitar Player. 
And he shall be Loud, and he shall sing 'Old Time Rock n'Roll'. 
Also shall he know not The Page, and so shall rely upon his Ears, 
Which have been damaged by exposure to High Sound Pressure Levels. 
For the Guitarists who Read shall already be playing Shows, 
And will be making the Big Shekels. 
And his tux shall be the Rattiest."
And Noah did say, "It shall be done."

And the Lord did say, "Next thou shall need Horns. 
First shall be the  Saxophones. 
And they shall be Beboppers. 
And they shall play their Bird Quotes in every song, 
Yea, even the Celine Dion ballad. 
And they shall Get High on every break, 
And make the Long Faces all night long, but
Especially when 'In The Mood' is called. 

Next shall be the Trumpeters. 
And they shall every one attempt to take everything Up an Octave, 
And fail frequently.
And of Changes they shall know nothing. 

And finally shall be the Trombone Player. 
And many jokes will be made about him, 
for he will have a Beeper, as well as a Day Job, 
and he will be the first to be Cut from the Band."
And Noah, taking many notes, did say, "Mighty is the Lord!"

"Next shall be the String Players. 
Find me Three Women, and attach Pickups to their Violins 
that are more ancient even than Myself, so that their
instruments screecheth and causeth great pain. 
And their job shall be to dress in Evening Gowns, 
And to Fake Parts on all Ballads, 
And to occasionally Stroll, and to complain about the Volume, and the
Intonation, and to impede the Swing." 

And Noah did say, "What else can be left, Lord?"
And the Lord did say, "Finally, find me the Singers. 
And they shall be Three, one a Male, and two Females. 
And the Male shall be a Strutting  Peacock, 
with the Rock 'N Roll Hair, and he shall never have to wear The Tuxedo, 
And also shall he play The Harmonica. 
And of the Females, one shall be Black and one shall be White. 
And the Black one shall ALWAYS sing the Aretha songs, and the Disco. 
And the White one shall ALWAYS sing the Power Ballads, and the Country 
Songs. 
But both shall share the Motown Medley, and shall sing Backup for the 
Male, 
And forget the Words, and be Late, and know nothing of Keys or Form. 
And they shall leave every gig immediately, having never touched a piece 
of Equipment.
And they shall be paid many more shekels than the Sidemen. 
Ask not why."
And Noah did say, "As Thou sayest, my Lord."

And the Lord did command him, "Search high and low for these, as not
every musician can fulfill these requirements. 
And though we have No Work yet, 
a Committment must be secured from All. 
And while you're at it, start looking for Subs."
And Noah did say, 
"Lord, thy will be done."
And it was.