| Recent
(2002/6) Humor
It's so easy to mess up these
days. I complemented a young lady on her unusual nose piercing. DAMN!
It was a wart.Copyright 2006 Jimmy Wallis Updated October 09, 2006 To find the killer of
the anti Putin woman journalist, his government has offered a reward
of 50 pesos.
Texas "no see ums" are driving me nuts. (I know, short drive) I have a 21 inch computer monitor, and they buzz me all night. They proved one thing to me. You smash 'em you see um. You try to clean um, you smear um. I've killed so many, I can see only every other word. Photos of politicians look better through them, though. Probably because they are used to smears. 05.21.06 3,738 mothers in Manila joined in simultaneous breastfeeding to establish a new Guinness World Record. I was there. I'd put on a diaper and had almost a gallon before I was thrown out. .05.07.06 An immigration protester in Idabel, Oklahoma, was going to burn a Mexican flag, but ended up just spitting on it and stomping it. Even so, he was immediately arrested by the Mexican Army and the Bush Administration is deporting him to Mexico to stand trial. Death sentence is possible. If immigration polices remain as they are, soon high school bands will be marching to the music of John Philip Salsa. Love on the Internet? We are told that E Harmony.com can provide us with a wonderful lifetime partner. Now David Oreck hugs his eight pound vacuum cleaner and says it's a "Love Affair to Remember." I combined Oreck and E Harmony and got a love affair that sucks. Rehab Happenings: I've been very surprised at how fast some of the older patients can move with their walkers! Yesterday, I saw one that had a bug screen on the front! Another one had mud tires for offroad use. My Walker: Before I graduated to a cane, I named my walker. I called it, "Ranger, The Texas Walker." Hope that doesn't anger Chuck Norris. I'm not exactly in fighting trim at the moment. WalMart recently announced that it was going to buy China. U.S workers will be offered jobs at up to twenty cents an hour. The Mars Rovers are rumored to be scouting for a spot for a new Super Store. The Super Store in Area 51 is said to be doing a brisk business with illegal aliens. Metal Detector Card: My orthopedic surgeon sent me a so called, "get out of jail free" card. It informs security officers manning metal detectors that I have a large chunk of titanium in my hip. This doesn't guarantee that they won't use a pen knife to check it out, though! TV execs considered doing a REALITY SHOW about a girl who allowed her dorky boyfriend to video tape them having sex. It was to star Paris Hilton, but the idea was dropped because the execs realized that audiences would know that no one would be THAT dumb. 2002-2004
Rosemary Woods Observance: Nixon secretary Rosemary Woods died, and the Republicans are planning to observe eighteen and a half minutes of silence. REALITY SHOWS: TV execs are getting raunchier and more desperate ideas for new shows. The latest is based on men who can't ejaculate, and is called "Emission Impossible." SPAM: Wow! If I accepted all the offers that I get in my email, I'd be a TRILLIONAIRE from refinancing my home, and taking advantage of all the "work at home" offers. I'd have forty University Diplomas and five hundred FREE cable channels. Better still, with all the offers for adding "extra inches" that I've gotten over the last week, I'd be a threat to that cute lady in the next block! Oxymoron? Correct answer: "The guy who does the commercials for Oxyclean!" Who could be more irritating? Attention sponsors! I won't buy anything that guy is selling! Haven't been thinking funny lately. Oddly, I'm whistling a lot. Don't know if that's good or bad. I do know that my tea kettle whistles when it's boiling. 06.02.03 Still in the midst of "Spring Cleaning." Hope to be finished by November. I was just thinking how odd it is that I hate dust so much, yet plan to be cremated! 06.02.03 Well, the war is over. Turns out the weapons of mass destruction were actually Islamic extremists disrupting Sunday Services at the Baghdad Catholic Church. A majority of Americans seem to still support the President in his determination to go to war with Iraq. Monday is the deadline for the UN to support the war. Tuesday, Mr. Bush and Mr. Blair will hold a news conference saying that it has started. It will be announced with Helen Reddy in the background singing, "You and Me Against the World." 03.17.03 I think the President has forgiven The Dixie Chicks. There is talk that they are being sent on an extended tour for the Iraqi USO next week...Sponsored by Target™! After that, it's a tour of the DMZ in Korea. 03.17.03 George Bush met my ex wife yesterday. Tomorrow he is expected to add a new member to the Axis of Evil. 02.21.03 (More on Divorce page) Whoever said "Life is just a bowl of cherries," must have dated very young girls. Here's a short story I made up a few nights ago instead of sleeping: Many, many, years ago, in the time of Angels, there lived a wise, good and kind but deeply troubled man. An Angel came unto him and spake. "I will grant you one wish to help you find happiness. You can have anything but immortality." The man thought but for a moment and said, "I wish to live until I understand women." That wise, good and kind man last week celebrated his two thousand, five hundred, seventy-fifth birthday. © 2006 Jimmy Wallis New Cable Channel to debut! "The Apology Channel." Inspired by the hours and hours devoted to Trent Lott and Cardinal Law's endless apologies. Clinton won't be there since he didn't do anything wrong. Also watch for the new "Whiner Channel" with Bill Maher. Sorry if you've been trying to call and can't get through. Sen. Lott keeps calling to apologize. 16 Dec 2002 Variation: What did Trent Lott and Cardinal Law do when they bumped into each other last week? Apologized, of course. I can't believe that I'm supposed to buy a computer when the choices are: (A) A guy who talks to, drives around with, and lunches with a cow. (B) A nerd who calls me "Dude," and now three nerdier nerds that do not inspire me to buy a Dell™. (C) A computer recommended by idiots who can't even do simple tasks on "Windows."™ Bring back the Amiga!™Fun, Fast, and even Mac users could figure it out! Everyone sing! "M I C - K E Y V I R U S" (cruise illnesses) I just got a job doing a commercial for a line of camoflague clothing. I walk around the country saying, "Can you see me now?" God wanted women to suffer, and suffer greatly. If you don't believe that, watch daytime TV. Then you can suffer, too! August 4, 2002 © Jimmy Wallis Law enforcement officials MUST STOP sexual profiling! Every suspect is currently identified as male or female, and this sexist practice is nothing more than thinly disguised sexual profiling! April 8, 2002 © Jimmy Wallis Carnival Cruise Lines has upped the competition with arch rival Royal Caribbean. Now they are in a battle to see who can get the most fines for polluting. At this point, Royal Caribbean is waaaay ahead. Twenty plus years working for RCCL gave me many insights. Bet you can't wait for my book! 05/01/02OSCARS: I would like to thank Halle Berry from making me look stable... Church takes allegations very seriously. Has assigned a Cardinal and two of his favorite alter boys to investigate. 03/22/02 I had lots of naughty thoughts after taking in the first day of the Winter Olympics, due to the commercials. I think Leno could definitely do them, and Letterman might be too nice to do them. Unfortunately, I couldn't get the lines to them. Here they are: Interesting sponsors on the Olympics this year. Audi, Chevrolet and Viagra... Maybe they should combine the commercials. For instance Audi is introducing the Audi TT. Combined that would be, "Take Viagra, then drive your TT home!" Chevy shows a rooster that has lost his voice honking a horn by using his beak in a Monte Carlo to wake up the farm folks. Obviously a Viagra tie-in. "This commercial shows a rooster using his beak to honk the horn of a Monte Carlo. "Take Viagra, and your pecker can do almost anything." Or "Let your pecker blown your horn." With the skin tight suits the male speed skaters wear, there is real danger from using Viagra in those. Also find it interesting that the skaters don't dress right or left, but "up." Written first day of
Olympics, posted 02/24/02
What's the big deal about the bob sledder on steroids? They knew all along he was a pusher! Afghanistan's Karzai has been chosen to star
in the new movie, "The Life of Ben Kingsley." Copyright 2006 Jimmy Wallis
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