CHRYSLER RECALLS CARS THAT MAY ROLL AWAY WHILE IN PARK!  I'M LUCKY, I LIVE DOWNHILL FROM A DEALER!

I used to be a VENTRILOQUIST, but gave it up.  The DUMMY  kept stealing my act!  Maybe you saw him on the Song Of America...he's the cruise director.

 Went to a Buffalo Restaurant and they were serving Human Wings.

BreathAssure...For only $29.95 you can get almost a nickel's worth of parsley in capsule form!

When you feel compelled to laugh at a beer is it a BROUHAHA?  (Or:  went to a weird party last night...we sat around and laughed at beer bottles...it was a brouhaha)

Those PSYCHIC HOT LINES really work!  I called and they told me that I was about to be ripped off?

Everyone is into TECHNOLOGY!  Last night I was about to be mugged.  Luckily his beeper went off!

Went to a weird funeral...they'd put a Viper auto alarm in the casket, and when you'd approach, it would say, "WARNING, you are too close"

New terrorist group in the Middle East.  They  worship that little candy that comes in dispensers.  They're called the  PEZbollah.

Jewish stars have CHRISTMAS ALBUMS.  I especially like Barbra Streisand's  "OY VEH MARIA!"

I left COLLEGE to get an EDUCATION!

They've renamed those WHALES that keep beaching themselves to KERVORKIAN whales.

APPLE COMPUTER had trouble with the NEWTON, their new DIGITAL PERSONAL ASSISTANT, and had to consult with WANG.  The result is the new WANG NEWTON!

It's not fair.  I found a way to grow hair on my palms, but not my head!

I didn't get up early...I under slept!

Catalog offers a ring that is inscribed:  "You And No Other"  for $49.95 each.  It goes down to $19.95 if you buy six or more.

Do you get the feeling that Samsonite subsidizes the Baggage Handler's Union?

I think I finally figured out the problem.  GOD is a corporation!

Took some new pants to the Tailor, and asked if he could do a simple hem. He said, "Sure!" [sing Nearer My God to Thee]

Do you get those calls where you pick up the phone and no one answers...you can hear them breathing, but they won't answer?   I just figured that out.  Those are crank calls from Mimes!

Two Christians arguing.    I didn't covet your wife today.   Well, I didn't covet yours first!   Yeah, well yesterday I did unto you as I would have you do unto me.

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Copyright 2006 Jimmy Wallis and Jaywal Productions, Inc.

LONDON (Reuters) - Future spacecraft could find an alternative energy supply in the crew's human waste, New Scientist magazine said Wednesday.

U.S. space agency NASA is sponsoring a joint project to turn human waste into a power source for spaceships using a process that could also produce other chemicals useful on board.

Normally, burning organic molecules such as those found in feces results in their combining with oxygen in the air to produce carbon dioxide and water.

Scientists have found that breaking down the waste by heating it in the absence of oxygen forms smaller molecules including liquids or gases which can be used as energy.

``You can use human waste as well as other waste, like scrap plastic bags,'' said Jim Markham, CEO of Advanced Fuel Research which is carrying out the tests with NASA.

And there's no need to worry about variations in the consistency and content of the waste material, as the equipment can handle it.

``It's tailored to unpredictable mixtures,'' Markham said. ''Ideally, you'd dial in the desired outcome and it would compensate.''

This new idea follows a Russian project which aims to use bacteria to break down the astronauts' used underwear to make methane, which could then be used to power the spacecraft.